Question for the Dads

Why is it I see dads out there yelling at their kids, until they cry, after matches when they win or lose the match? They usually try their best at theses matches, but yet I see this in 75% of the dads. Most the time it is a very young child at that! Your children learn from you, and usually grow up doing the same things you have done to them to their own children.
I sat and talk almost at every tournament with mothers that hates seeing her husbands yelling at their children. Let me tell you, we dont like it! Maybe if you praise your child and tell them better luck next time or show them how to get the moves done, you may see better reactions from your child. I praise MOST of the coaches, for they do do this! This is only my opinion.

I too have seen this many times over the past 5 years, but I feel that is a family issue. If the mom lets it happen, she is just a bad.
My son has be lucky enough to experience many wins and only a few loses over the past 5 years, but even after the losses, his dad tells him what he did right not wrong. Don't get me wrong, after our son has gotten over the loss, he will then point out what he did wrong!!

It can be tough to maintain perspective with your own kids. Family system problems are definitely apparent many times and it is sad to see the interactions referenced.

I am in a unique situation in that I have several kids who live with me and my family as well as my son who wrestle. I am just as emotionally invested in these young men as my son but due to their inexperience winning a lot of matches may not be in the picture.

Developing a winning attitudes, maintaining composure, being coachable and creating work ethic are the medals my group home boys take away from the sport.

I have seen some massive growth in the kids i live and work with regardless of winning or losing. This is the true benefit and beauty of this sport. It gives me and my wife the ability to truly correlate hard work and results through the great sport of wrestling.

One thing I discovered with my first son in wrestling years ago was that they will have many coaches over their career but only one dad. So instead of trying to coach them up after a lose or a win I decided it was better just being a good dad to them regardless of the outcome of a sporting event.

Agreed yzgi.

I also found out that even though I was a successful kids, High School, and a year of college wrestling that my kids knew more about wrestling than I did after about a half year of practice. I guess they are just smarter than I was. Took me longer.

I think it would help if tounament directors would not allow anyone at matside unless they have a coaches card/certification. Especially at qualifying tournaments.

I don't think matside is where the biggest problems arise. I think it's off the mat that some parents, and I include mothers because I've seen it. Take things way too serious. Try to remember loses make em stronger wins just make em happy. Besides when my kid loses its the coaches fault but when they win it's just great parenting. Tongue firmly inserted in cheek.

I don't know if that would help or not. You see a lot of this happen in hallways, bleachers, outside, etc. A parent who will do this will do it as soon as they come into contact with their child, whether it's as they walk off the mat or anywhere thereafter.

In district 1 last week, I was walking out to move my vehicle closer in the afternoon and my son walked out with me. In the parking lot was a dad just yelling horrible stuff at his kid about how weak he was and if he didn't work harder he would never be anything in life. My son looked at me and said "Thank you mom for you and dad not ever doing that to me." He said he felt sorry for that kid.

I really think we, as parents, need to keep foremost in our minds the importance of good sportsmanship... including how we treat our own children. Over the past 13 years we've been involved with kids and high school wrestling I have seen the very best and the very worst personality traits displayed after a hard match. We need to remember we are dealing with young, impressionable people who look to us for support and guidance. Let's remember youth wrestling lasts for a relatively short time in our life.. the lessons we teach our kids will last a lifetime. Good luck to everyone this weekend!

It would be harder to police the hallways, bleachers and outside. I think this is at least one way to help.

Let me be the devil's advocate:

In defense of a coach, here is what happens a lot of the time: the coach, knowing the he has 30 other kids at the tourney, wants to explain some things that he saw that the kid did wrong during the match, knowing that by the time he saw the kid on Monday at practice, he would have forgotten what it was he wanted to tell the kid. Anyway, the kid, being bullheaded and not wanting to listen, mouths off. Coach, feeling like all of the evenings he spent away from his family were unappreciated by this little snot nosed kid, loses his temper and lets the kid have it in no uncertain terms.

I agree with making sure we tell them good job more often than pointing out the wrongs, but on the other hand, let's make sure that the people pointing fingers have actually been in a coaching situation, not watching from the stands.

I don't want coaches to be blamed in instances where unappreciative kids are to blame.

Thanks

It isn't always Dad's that have the biggest problem. I speak from experience. I am the one with the problem. I loose control and if it wasn't for my husband (and even my own kids telling me to stop), I would be a mess. My husband is much better at handling things when it comes to sports. I have learned to let him handle that task with the kids. I try to stay on the sidelines or at home waiting for him to call with updates due to having "lost control" at too many games (wrestling, football, baseball, ect.). I am a very competitive person and can't stand loosing. When I was growing up, I hated to loose so much that I would rather not even try if it meant I could loose. This is my problem and so I try not to let it influence the kids. My solution, I stay away or go to the van when things get to intense.

How refreshing! This is an absolutely great topic and is quite the relief from reading pages and pages about, who is better or who is tougher or who had the toughest bracket.

Remember, for the most part, kids do not make mistakes on purpose. Kids generally want to do well and please the adults in their life.

I agree totally. But it is a two way street for the kids and coaches. If the kid wants to get better, he has to listen to constructive criticism. If the coach wants the kid to listen, he has to present his criticism in as positive a way as possible.

Parents who allow their kids to disrespect their coaches are part of the problem. Little Johnny Do No Wrong needs his tail tanned at home, instead of having mom and dad telling him to not listen to him.

Mom4

I call that the grizzley sow syndrome - protecting their cubs. I have been told that my voice carries a little bit when giving my son or other kids in the club a few pointers during a match. It does upset me when kids are smacked around and abused verbally after or before a match. A few of the bad apples need to be taken out on the mat and have their butt whipped in front of a few fans and see how they like being yelled at after a match. Or they need to take the coaching clinic offered by Randy Hinderliter.

Coach McCarthy

Early on, it is especially tough to be appropriate. I know I am speaking from experience. A couple of years ago I decided to be a dad first to my son, and a coach, only when I had to be. As a result, he is much happier, and so am I. All too often we confuse the kids by having them determine the difference between parents as a mom or dad, and parents as a coach. If you want a reason to spend more time loving your children, instead of forcing them to be champions or telling them they should be champions, click on over to the high school threads and read the story regarding Pete Eck and Brent Fisher right now. Two great kids, wonderful wrestlers, involved in a terrible accident. Last night at the Wizzers practice I did a devotion on how none of us are guaranteed of tomorrow. When looking at life and our children from that perspective, we will do a whole lot more loving, and a whole lot less yelling. http://www.usawks.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=006798;p=1#000012

I wasnt sure if this was a great topic to post until now. I am glad I am not the only one that sees this. I think it is good to cheer and coach on your child. It is after the match is done and over that concerns me. I am divorced from my sons father and it just ****es me off when he is sitting there crying and his dad is screaming at him and not ever praising him. My son sometimes gets to me before his father and is crying saying his dad is going to yell at him saying he gave up on a losing match. I tell him "you did your best and you can try to do better next time". I know that his dad screaming and yelling at him will soon bite him in the butt as my son gets older (he is 9 1/2 yrs old). My sons plans not to wrestle next year cause he cant do good enough in his dads eyes. I hope he changes his mind.....thanks for the replies.

I am guilty of pushing my son to be the best that I know that he can be. I never went so far as to yell at him, but not acted as I should have. This year I decided to something totally different than I used to do. I told him that win or lose I am darn proud of what he is doing and what he has accomplished this year. I tell him this before and after each match. I also tell him thatno matter what I am still dad. I love him just as much wether he wins or loses. I tell him this each and every time he steps on the mat.
Amazingly it actually worked, he is winning more than ever, he is on a streak of 16 wins and only 3 loses in the last month. He has even made it to state for the first time this year.
Maybe there is a lesson in this story for all or maybe not, but it worked for us.
Good luck Dusty in State.

DOUG747, just to let you know I NEVER blamed the coaches! I have never seen a coach after a match yell at a child. I do see them say better luck next time or we will try harder next time. This is posted for the PARENTS of the children. And for the guy who says they are yelling cause they want their child to hear them, its not bad to cheer your children on. We are talking afterwords where you see the child being grabbed and/or yelled at of anger of the parent. Where if this was done in Walmart the State (SRS) would be called in to investigate.
I again praise all coaches and parents who praise their child when they win and/or lose!

jeb: That's the spirit. I'm sure your attitude and approach have greatly influenced your son's winning year. Keep it up!

This is a great topic and for some of us it takes longer to realize the situation more than others. I am a father/coach and have probably been guilty of these situations more times than not. In most aspects this is a pretty cut and dry situation. However there are times that underlying circumstances may be involved. There are parents who take everything above and beyond the perspective as far as competition is concerned. In the same aspect there are children dealing with behavioral problems that may not be evident to any onlooker that may feel the need to judge other peoples actions. At this time in my coaching career I have really been trying to reflect on my childrens first years. Before they were State and National Placers. Back when this was truely a recreation. I personally have pushed not only my kids, but also all the kids in my club. Some children respond well to the increased pressure, some do not. However the more success the child has, the more the parent wants. Not so much for themselves, but the desire to help their child to achieve their dreams may go to the extreme. I've seen this at so many different levels it is amazing. I don't truly believe that any parent sets out in a season to drive their child to a breaking point. However it is very easy to lose focus of what their initial goals may have been. This happens to the best of us, and I can readily admit I have been guilty of this myself. As a Father I never feel disappointed in my child, I am always proud. I let them know this as long as they represent themselves in a positive fashion. If they do not do so, as a parent it is my job to let them know that a fit or a tantrum because of a loss is unacceptable. Not the loss, but the behavior that follows. As a Coach I am bound to do the same. But as a coach I am also there to point out the problems and mistakes made. I do this whether we win or lose. There is always room for improvement. I am not here to pass judgement, however I have seen both sides and encourage everyone to take a step back and try to bring some FUN back into the competition. Push your children hard, help make them great. But don't do this at a childs expense, because without the child there will be no greatness.