What it means to be a coach and parent or both.

Just went to a parent university talk about bullying and how to be a better parent. It was put on by a gentleman with the last name Williams from Nashville. Thought I would share just a couple things on this because I did have tears in my eyes when I left tonight. The biggest thing I want to share is this. He said when we are busy as parents we might be lucky to spend 15 minutes a night with our kids. I agreed. We get home from wrestling practice 3 nights a week at 8:30. Out of that 15 minutes it says we spend 12 of those minutes telling them what they did wrong or complaining about something. 3 minutes used to give them praise. thats when the tears started coming down. I had to agree with him in all aspects. It made me think of coaching. I am guilty and know alot of you are guilty to. thoughout the practice and after matches how much time do we spend telling the kids what they should have done or what they did wrong rather than what they did right. I know there will some of you in here say is this the same idiot that was ramping on with matman and sportsfan about stupid crap. yes that was me. After my wife sat me down and showed me what kind of idiot I looked like on here I agreed to do nothing but positve things in this forum in the future. I hope some of you take this as a positive if not then thats your life. We just have to remember to let the kids be kids at some point and pushing them to the boiling point is not what we want later in life.

Scott,

When I was overseas for a year, I spent a lot of time following this forum when I had down time. There were a number of times, quite a few in fact, that I thought if everyone had to spend a year away from their wife and kids, away from wrestling, baseball, soccer, band concerts, birthdays, anniversaries, the holidays, etc., that they would really learn to appreciate what they have at home. We all get a little too absorbed in the little things, many which we can not control, and forget about the special things that we have when we are able to spend time with family and friends.

I look back at the toughest time I had when I was gone. My son was spending the night with a friend and teammate in Olathe so that he could travel down to a tournament with his family the next day. I got an email from his friend's mom saying that my son woke up around midnight and started to cry. He told her that he wished his dad was home. You talk about tears, that was the only time that I had them rolling down my face the whole year I was away. I have really learned to value and enjoy the time I have with my family.

Scott,

I don't know you other than from reading your posts on this forum, but based on what you wrote here tonight, I do have a new found respect for you. I look forward to your positive contributions in the future, and I hope others can learn through your example!

Thank you for listening to that man and realizing he was talking to you and not some other guy. Your wife and kids are lucky to have you. Hope it works for you.

Thank you for the insight. I hope everyone on here can take this lesson and use it, I know I will.

I had a person send me a private message asking me what I was getting to. I am going to ask you a question that I heard when I was sitting listening to Mr. Williams. He asked if you died today would you feel comfortable leaving your family the way you are today. Man that makes you sit and think for a minute. He asked do your kids tell you that they love you every day and do you say it back. Not only to my own kids but I will probably try and input that before we leave wrestling practice each night. My final look on this is not one person here knows what tomarrow brings so hopefully if that happens we can say that we would feel comfortable with the kind of person we are before that day comes. Now dont get me wrong you will still see me pushing the kids and yelling at the tournaments cause thats just me but I do have a new out look on kids and sports these days.

In my opinion, it takes a real man to go the parent university and listen with an open mind and be able to sit back and be willing to change some things. I've said this on another post but I didn't know Scott from anything but his posts on here before this last weekend at Tulsa, and from what I saw down there, he is already doing A LOT of things right with his son and the kids in their club. Class act and I wouldn't hesitate a second to let my son go wrestle with them again and am sending my son down to Scott's house this summer for a few days so he can go to their camp. And trust me, there isn't very many coaches or parents that I would allow my son to do that with. Guess what I'm saying is I know what "your getting to" and your post has made me sit back and re-evaluate a few things also. The last thing I tell my son before he walks on the mat and the first thing I tell him when he walks off (win or lose) is "I love you". And "please don't bridge with all his weight on you"haha

reDPloyd

tears in my eyes when i was done reading your post thanks for everything that you do

What a great post!! Thanks for sharing

Also just want to share a couple sayings that our coaches have brought into our room. Its a marathon, not a sprint. Noah did not build his arc in one day. I thank Max and Terry for bringing that into our practice room. I think we have some of the best coaches in the world when it comes to the kids. Im sure you will see us at some tournaments and in the practice room get what seems crazy at times but when it comes to one on one time that time is very important to those kids. So if we look foolish at times trust me its not what it looks like sometimes. We will fight for each and every kid to win but you have to be a sport when losing to be a true champion.

exactly right, i told my son at the beginning of the year, that i didn't care win or lose as long as he tried hard.

who remembers the kid at the top of the 6u podium from 12years ago?

scott im so impressed there really is a heart in there, wow.lol.

its never too late for yes even me to grow up and learn something. the challenge is to stay on the path. im sure i will tend to sway away from it once in a while but thats what makes our club great. We have 6 coaches from all different backgrounds and will cover for each other.

Congratulations. It takes a big person to recognize a short coming and then actually take the steps necessary to change their way of thinking AND acting in order to correct the problem. (Plus, actually listening to your wife! ) I am sure your children will appreciate your new persona as well.
As an educator (as well as my son's biggest fan and sometimes coach) I can tell you how much of an impact your behavior has on your child. Everyday of my working career, I have spent hours trying to soothe the weary souls of children who feel they haven't lived up to their parents expectations. Thank you for coming to "the other side"...

Alison Ostertag
Effingham Kids Wrestling Club

I will say this for all the wrestling parents, even the slightly crazed ones, wrestling forces you to spend some quality time with your wrestler...more than the average of 15 minutes a night. You are showing an interest, getting them away from TV and video games, getting them into a social setting, teaching them rules and consequences. Wrestling is good for kids. Parents are good for kids. The trick is to not let the emotions of the match, or the need to win, get in the way of all the good stuff. That's not easy.

Quality time with your wrestler, no doubt about it. With all the trips Garrett and I made up and down 10 highway to go to practice, I was able to turn him into a huge Styx fan. It didn't stop there, we had to listen to Styx going to and returning from tournaments. Unfortunately, my cd player in my car shot craps last year. I am sure that he will remember our time together every time he hears a Styx song on the radio for many years to come.

Quality time with your dad (circa 1972-1973). Speaking of memories, I still remember listening to Carly Simon singing You're So Vain on the radio when I was going with my dad to his brick laying jobs in the Rambler station wagon. That is the reason I know my son will remember listening to Styx (many songs) while we were going to practices and tournaments.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, Domo.

Signed,

Kilroy

I actually saw Styx during their Mr Roboto tour in Wichita many years back. Dennis Deyoung was getting a little too creative for the rest of the band when he starting doing the theatrical stuff (ultimately killing the band at that time). My wife and I came out of a long concert hibernation and went to see Styx and REO Speedwagon last fall in Kansas City. It was a great concert and my wife called back to the house so that my boys could listen in on a few Styx songs.

my 5 year old is hooked on "eye of the tiger", it's amazing how some songs/artists transcend generations. i'm trying to get him into metallica, pantera, godsmack, the heavy stuff, but mama doesn't approve too much.

what mama don't know won't hurt her

while in Tulsa we listened to we will rock you over and over from the hotel to the arena. now my 3 daughters listen to it on the way to basketball games. just wish all the tournaments would do a 15 minute warmup while playing some of those tunes to get everyone pumped up. I went to a middle school game at wilbur here in Wichita last week and they had the music loud and the teams and parents were pumped come start time.

my 6 yr old loves "eye of the tiger" he has me play it at least 3 times on the way to practice, on full repeat on the way to tournaments,, finally once i knew we were going to go to tulsa, i knew that it was going to burn me out, so i bought him an MP3 player and put it on there! , however i do agree with bockman, i would like to see more tournaments play music during warm ups

p.s. jimi jamison the lead singer of Survivor will be in concert this weekend, and he sings all his old songs like Eye of the tiger

Scott,
I don't think we have ever met and like many others I know you only from what I have seen you post on this forum. First, kudos to you for having the courage to post what you did on this thread. I am a 3rd generation wrestler myself and my boys are the 4th. I am also a 2nd generation coach and have coached since 1987 in two states (Washington & Kansas) from large HS (6A) to kids. You are right, it is hard sometimes to remember to start and finish the conversations with your wrestlers,parents, etc. with something positve but it is definitely worth it. Coaching relationships built on trust and partnership can become special. Two of my former HS wreslters stood as groomsmen in my wedding and the head coach I was coaching with was my best man. That was cool.
When my boys started 6 years ago one of the first "talks" I had with them was about how they dealt with defeat was going to be more important than how they handled victory. To this day win or lose I am proud of how they handle the end of match ceremony win or lose. It is after all about building young men. You can ask my boys and they will tell you that only two things will ever make me angry at them on the mat Rule #1: NEVER lose your composure and disrespect yourself or the sport. Rule #2:NEVER quit, fight to the end with dignity and honor.
One of the toughest things I have ever done is to coach my own boys, especially after coaching literally hundr4eds of other peoples sons. I think what you have realized is great and wish you well in developing a new philosophy. I also charge you with the challenge of trying to lead as many we can down the path of developing the young men and letting the winning take care of itself.
Good luck in your corner this weekend.

I've learned to relish those times, where after a tough loss, we sit in the stands and I have my arm around my son tellin him we're going to be alright and I am proud of him. This weekend, I felt the pain I put my mother thru when I was young, as I sat in the ER and held my son's hand as a Doc stiched up a gaping gash in his eyebrow from an unintentional head butt during a Salina finals match. As he squeezed my hand I told him the pain was temporary and he comforted me by telling me he didn't feel anything. As much as I enjoy watchin him wrestle and have some sucess, I think it will be times like this that I will miss when he is grown and out of the house. Not the blood and pain, but the father and son seeing each other through a tough time.I will also miss jammin eye of the tiger enroute to a tourney too!