Is coaching your kid … a right?

I recently opened this “can-of-worms” and suggested that coaching even your own child, is a privilege and NOT a right!

I offer for the purpose of discussion these thoughts:

While I will concede, that NO one can be a better parent than you are for your kid, can someone else be a better Coach?

Do Parent/Coaches have trouble separating these two duties? Do parents at matside have too much “emotion” invested in what’s going on?

As a Parent who had a child on teams, I was often asked to Coach that team. (Which I did) Is there an appreciable difference in coaching your child in a “team-sport” and coaching them in an individual sport?

I expect a lot of other questions but these should be sufficient to get things started!

Randy,
While I don't know the answer to your question in regards to Kansas Kids, I do know that being a member of our club and in turn a coach IS a priviledge, which can be revoked at any time. I would be curious to hear Juby's answer if a person or persons have ever been denied a club charter or coaches card. Maybe this is a can of worms that you shouldn't have opened on a message board! LOL

Actually, Randy is taking a nap, and this is his "devils advocate" alter ego! I know he is getting ready to pen an article on this topic and thought I would gather some opinions on it!

sportsfan02,

The answer to both of your questions is yes, although it happens infrequently and only in exceptional cases. Fortunately, most issues can be resolved thru less extreme measures.

Wow, this a probablly going to be a touchy subject, but here it goes. I am a kids coach and have been for some time now. i have my first child on the way. I have been asked if i will want to coach my child when he/she becomes old enough.I think that if my child chooses to wrestle or play baseball i would want to coach. however if its a sport that i do not feel i know enough about then i would rather let someone else coach, for the teams sake and my childs sake. with that said, i think that the bronze level should be a little tougher to achieve. My reason for feeling this way is that although i know that there is a shortage of coaches for kids clubs. i would like to see the kids taught the fundamentals of wrestling correctly. allowing someone who may not have any experience in coaching to take a six hour course and then start coaching is a little concerning to me. if we want to see our sport grow. we must make sure that the seeds are planted correctly. if this means recertification then i'm all for it. it is also my belief that there should be mandatory coaching clinics that we should have to attend in order to continue coaching. i hope that i have not ripped the lid off this can of worms, but if so, oh-well. good luck this weekend!

Interesting topic, that i had to cross my self a few years ago, when my oldest son was hitting the "terrible teen" years we found it tuff to bridge a gap between being a father and being a coach, so i left the coaching up to someone else, this helped our father/son relationship out a great deal and took some of the pressure off, as my youngest son has been hitting the "terrible teens" I have been able to find ways to brdige the gap of father/coach I also think his matutriy level is higher at this age than was his brothers, plus maybe he did see the erros of both his brotheres and my way. There have been occassions where we have found it benificial for me to wwatch my youngest son as a father and let the others do the coaching especially in big matches or against tougher opponents, so that when the match is over i can be there for him as a father not as a coach.

Yes,

Other adults can get through to your own kids
at certain ages. That does not mean that the parents are bad coaches. It just means that we need to let get some else's opinion - even if it is the same thing you have been telling them for who nows how long.

We try to follow the rule of no coaching you own kid at tournaments. That works pretty well. Your son or daughter tend to think that you are telling them to clean their room or take out the garbage during a match. In my own case - I'll bet that is what my son is thinking when I coach him from the stands. I have been told I talk loudly (yell) "get hand control or stand up. What are you thinking?" Anyway, responding to your question. It really depends on the parent child relationship. At the novice level and the younger open kids is where I notice the most potentially harmful parent/coach and child relationships. They all develop at different speeds. I have had several kids in our program that struggled in their early years and now are in a position to make some noise at the High School State Tournament. Proof - they'll develop when and if they are ready.

Coaching your kid or supporting them in some fashion is your obligation not your right. Show interest their acivities. I help with the track team also and the kids right from the beginning know that I wasn't a track man. I told them so. But, do I think I can help them be better track runners or people? Yes

Wow, what a can of worms. i look at this way, i coached before my son was born and wrestling and hope to coach after he is done competing> I actually hope to coach with him someday. I have had both positive and negative experiences in coaching my own son. We moved to Nebraska and due to job constraints I could not do a lot of coaching with him. He was 8 and it killed me to not be there every second. Well, we happened to be with a great club, full of caring adults, good kids and i tell you what he grew immensely both as a person and a wrestler. Now the other side, We moved to California, my paranoia and comfort level of having others coach my son had been put aside in Nebraska. My son had success on the state and national level prior to our move and is a coachable young man. We hooked up with a reputable club in the San Diego area. There the coaches banned parental involvement and the coaching was suspect to virtually non-existent. We were told that the kids should just wrestle as they feel, and fundamentals suffered. My son had a horrible experience and his confidence level was poor. Coaches can make a big difference, Dads who coach can to too, it is a fine line and i think the good clubs give you the resources to let others help your kids out. i appreciate Kansas, no shortage of those types here

I have been coaching wrestling for 13 years and have 2 boys. And being with them at mat side was always my dream but its more important to be their DAD and not their coach. My experience the last 2 years, they sometimes have a difficult time dealing with dad vs. coach. They see Dad yelling at them not their coach and that can cause a strain on relationships. So I now stand back and let others coach my boys. Sure makes things better at home. And they usually listen better to someone else. One should always do whats best for the kids not for Dad.

I woulnd't say its a right but its certainly the case. As a coach I've seen so many times when a wrestlers dad who is doubling as the coach has berated their son after a loss. Im sure that has to be devasating to the kid, I've seen it in their eye. More than anything a kid is trying to win their fathers approval. My newphew started wrestling this year at the age of 5 and all he could say to his mother was how much he wanted to get a medal so he could be like his uncle nigel. He got one in his first tournament last week. But it pains me to have to see his face the first time he doesn't get one. I have lots of expectations for him in the coming years and I plan to be there for him. Im not his father but I am the one he looks up to the most. I worry all the time that I will want to push him too far, too fast and that will have a negative effect on him. I tell this story because I think it relates to the question at hand. A father does have a right to coach their kid provided they are certified to do so. However in the overall scheme of things, I question just how smart it is to let them do it.

I coached my child for a few years but realized that she responded better to the other coaches so now I step back and let them do the job, if they are available. It hasn't changed a thing and I probably enjoy watching more because I am not mat-side. It is a personal preference but if you do coach your kid it does require you to act like a coach mat-side and not like an idiot. Don't embarrass your child and don't embarrass your club. Someone said earlier it is an obligation to coach your kid, I would disagree. It is an obligation to help and support your child in every way possible. Sometimes that will entitle stepping back and letting the coaches do their job.

This is the green monster truck's first venture into the 'Kids' section of the message board, but Mr. Hinderletter asked me to make a comment, so I figured I would oblige. (For more witty banter, visit the 'High School' board.)

I do not believe it is the parent's right to coach their child. I think that if the child wants or permits their parent to coach them, then they should have that choice. However, if the child does not wish to be yelled at by a father-coach, that choice should be respected.

I am not a father and I am not a coach. However, I have seen father-son relationships both bloom and be destroyed by wrestling. I have seen one father erupt at his son, causing the entire extended family to brawl in the stands. Yet I have also seen Coach Woodford of Manhattan coach his son Jeb, and I don't think Jeb would have wanted anyone in his corner except for his father when he wrestled in the state finals last year.

The decision should be left up to the wrestler. No coach should tell his wrestler that his parent can't be in his corner, and no parent should force their son into a position in which they do not want to be.

Excellent post Prant. This is exactly what my son did. After the first two years, he decided he felt better with me on the mat than in the stands. I never asked him if he wanted me there, I waited for him to ask me.
And I never berate him for a loss. It's wrestling, not life or death.

Is Coaching Your Child Right?

This is a very hard question to answer an I am going to give you mine based on my own experience.

When I was a child and wrestled my father coached me through the years of his experience. Once I had gotten to the age he had quit wrestling and he felt he had no futher knowledge to offer he passed the coaching on to someone else, but not the support and the parenting. Even though my college years I still would look in the stands before each match to see him sitting there. He gave me encourgement and strengh and I felt safe because he was there and I wanted to wrestle good for him and me. Those are the moments I remember as a child and the one's that are special to me.

My father is gone now and I have been coaching my son for the last five years with the same reasoning behind it. My son is in High School now and has another coach and he has grown and learned from this coach, but he still looks in the stands as I once did and I feel proud that I had the opportunity to be there for him.

Do I think parents that coach can have a possitive affect on there kids......yes I do.

I would say this can of worms is officially opened. There have been many excellent post on this subject, and I, like many of you have found myself in the middle of this quandry. The comment was made earlier that both the coach and the wrestler, needed to know the difference in the father/son and coach/wrestler relationship. The easiest way for this to happen is to clearly define this early in the relationship. Also, try to follow what you learned in your certification class, positive-instruct-positive. I made it a point to compliment another coach/dad when I saw this done, Tony Florschutz (sp?) of Sunflower kids does a great job of this with his son Levi, and their father/son relationship sure seems to be one to be proud of. It comes down to this, you are the adult, see which situation is right (coaching your child or not) if you can't decide, ask another coach to watch you and see if you are helping or hurting your child. The truth is, that most of us won't be coaching our kids at the junior high or high school level and the sooner that your child learns to wrestle for someone else, the better.

I have found myself struggling over this issue and want to thank Randy Hinderliter for making the original post. While it may be a can of worms, worms as bait often times bring about some great fish and that is not always such a bad thing.

I have found myself pondering over this issue especially since its original post. I find myself struggling with the issue because I coached my daughter through high school in soccer and have helped coach my son through wrestling for the last 9 years. I realize that because he is on the mat he is at the point where he knows more and can execute more than I can, but I am a good motivator. I have had to deal with the fact that I help coach for the club, my son happens to wrestle for the club. I have and would encourage any dad who coaches to submit themselves to the head coach and I find myself continually doing this with Derby. What the head coach says goes, and there are no exceptions in the practice room or during a match. I often ask others to coach my son because I know they can do better for him than I can at times due to a variety of reasons, usually on my part due to being excited or something else. Most of the time he still wants me there and as a dad I appreciate that.

Last year during state I had the honor of coaching another young man, Daniel Smith, as opposed to my son who was wrestling at the same time. After the match, which Daniel won, he jumped up and hugged me and the other coach in the corner because this was the first time he was going to place at state. At that point I was reminded of what coaching is all about. What a thrill to be there with him and because of it I have a relationship with Daniel that I will always cherish. At that point there was no place I would have rather been as a coach. I know that I can sometimes get excited, not nearly as badly as in the past, when coaching one of my children. Unfortunately, I had to learn those lessons the hard way with my daughter and in the early years with Nathan. Part of me recognizes that because I never knew my dad I would have loved to have the honor of him being in my corner. I also realize that a dad and a coach are two different things. Takedwn169 also made me think due to his wonderful heart tugging post. I still struggle but realize that each father / son must recognize what is best for the team, and at the point of competition, the wrestler is a part of the team as is the coach, but if necessary, the coach has to give the team what they need over what he or his son may need.

Tons of great thoughts!

One reason found for kids not enjoying sports is that they receive “too much pressure from adults.” With that in mind, I have another question. If, you as a parent are coaching your child, when does the coaching stop?

Just throwing the “old worm” out there!

Randy,

As usual, Randy and Furches put on good posts. To answer your question it is not a right to coach your own son or daughter. I learned this a long time ago and I have used coaches from any team to coach my sons. I knew that I was too close to the situation. Granted I have had to do it in freestyle/greco and occasionally at nationals. Let me tell you I get some funny looks when I ask someone from a different team to coach them but it has proven to be beneficial to them, they can be coached by almost anyone. To give you examples,coaches Knox,Taylor,Gibson, Ponce,Deam,Foster,their mother, and so on. The list is probably close to 30 to 50 different people. Its not about how much the coach knows but how much my sons can pull out of their drilling they have done on basics since they were 4 yrs. old. Randy to answer your question on making a positive difference in a kids life. First and foremost you have to coach the whole child not just the wrestler. Seeing a kid win a big match is not the only reward but having a kid or parent come back later in life and tell you that the discipline and hard work he went through in wrestling, helped him deal with life's circumstances. Thats the reward that keeps you going as a coach. At least it is for me and my coaches. I would ask some of you coaches out there what is one of your methods of taking pressure off the wrestler during competition. One of my ways is to focus on the move and not the outcome because like everything in life, persistance always pays off.

Coach Ed
Northwest Jr. Grizzlies

Ed, Coaching the "whole child" in my opinion is the only way to coach. Coaches that follow this are showing that their concern for a kid goes a lot deeper that just wrestling!

Thus, is the reason I have a tough time, not being emotionally involved with "my kids." Ed, you fueled an entirely different post for me. (too close to the situation)

Okay, what do the rest of you coaches feel about this?