5 year old crying.

i have had my first experience this year my boy nix 6 40 and under crying in a match, now from you experienced parents or coaches how do i handle this in the future. do i comfort him, tell him crying is no good i did not even yell out instructions after he started crying. i was sad for him but also at awe weird situation need some advice in case it happens again. thanks.

My daughter wrestled a few years ago...she was 6/U. Everytime she stepped on the mat, she cried...until the match started, then she cried if she was on the bottom...until she reversed it...but she wanted to keep wrestling...she cried her way through many wins....she was either crying or smiling...we didn't know what to do...we finally told her she was finished...it broke my heart to see her cry. She is now 10 and wants to wrestle again...we said NO WAY!!!

this is the first time for me all year and we have been to alot of tournaments maybe he was hurt maybe not all i know there are alot of you who have beenthrough this so i am glad for the reply

i am not going to lie it did tick me off sry for the language i know he's five years old and my little buddy thats why i did not say nothing to him about it. but by getting your advice i will be prepared in case it ever happens again. i just did not know how to handle this situation.

A lot of times they cry because they are frustrated. (He's not throwing a temper tantrum because he's angry, right?) Maybe, at 5, he's not emotionally able to handle the frustration. I would definately ask him what was happening.Without making a huge deal out of it I would ask him why he was crying.

no temper tantrum he still wrestled not that good. after he went out smiling showed good sportsmanship i will asked him after school why like i said he has wrestled around 40 matches this season and still loves to wrestle and i ask him if he is ready to quit and he says no.

Nix,

There are no right answers, no magic remedies, and no foolproof solutions. Sorry, there just aren't. Kids are all unique and react differently in different situations. I have said it on this forum before, wrestling is just plain brutal. We are asking very young kids to deal with disappointment, pain, defeat, and sometimes even winning, elation and success, in an grown up manner.

Many of our kids go through phases in their years of wrestling, and not all of them are pleasing to us. When my boy was six, he threw his headgear at his mom on one occasion and slapped the video camera out of her hands on another after losing matches. Again, he was six! Then, we went through a couple of hard years (9-10 yrs old) where he was so physically and/or mentally bent out of shape after a match that he would completely melt down and almost have to be carried off the mat (thank heaven those days are mostly behind us). The last two years he has started to understand that you just don't win all the time and you can still wrestle a quality match against a superior opponent without being emotionally crushed by the end result. Don't get me wrong, he still has his moments.

The most glaring example I can think of was a very good wrestler (in fact he ended up winning State in U10) last year that I saw on two occasions crying during matches that he was winning 8-0 and 10-0 during Subs or Districts. Why was this kid crying when he was so good and dominating his opponents? I don't have any idea, but he was.

Sorry I haven't been able to help you much. I really don't know. I tell my son (all of them) that I love them every time I get the chance. I figure that is good for something. Good luck with your son.

every bit helps thanks

My son is in his 2nd year of 8u. He started when he was 5 and won his first two tourn. of the year. I was as proud as a dad could be. Then it all went down hill from there.

We go to Hutch. 1st match of the day, and my son is crying before he even steps on the mat. He hasn't shed a tear all year. I'm freaked out. Mad, Sad, Frustrated, Confused...etc.

To make a long story short. We continued to practice but only went to one more tournament....just to make sure this wasn't a dream. He again started crying. What was so frustrating is he would be winning and crying at the same time. I didn't understand. Anyway, we finished the year in the practice room.

Then comes the next year. I was scared to even ask him if he wanted to go out for wrestling. I asked and he said he didn't know. I made him a deal. If he would just go to practice we wouldn't go to any tournaments. That's what we did.

His 1st year of 8u we only went to 4 or 5 tournaments.

I would suggest talking to your son, and wife. Maybe he was just having a bad day. If he continues, I would consider slowing down.

Continue reinforcing the fact that you love him, and that you are proud of him whether he wins or loses.

thanks for the advise, i just want to be a good father and coach to him heck i have been away from the sport for 17 years and i wasn't that good then. i have 2 kids a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. and i am 31 so this is all new to me in a way. so all the advise helps.

Crying, oh boy have I seen crying...lol. My son started when he was 5. Won his first match ever, no problem. Second match against a 2nd yr wrestler we were ahead and the other kid was working hard then here came the tears. Kolton got stuck and then more tears. Couldn't get him together and had to forfiet his 3rd match. My wife in the stands with our new born came down and talked to him. He went out on the mat for his 4th, crying, took the kid down, crying, pinned the kid , crying, got his hand raised, crying. We went to a tourn every weekend his 1st yr, opens and novice. He went to subs at 5 and with only 4 kids he lost em all and went to district. We wrestled our way thru the tears not giving him the option to quit. He accepts wrestling as the thing you just do now. He doesn't know any different, just knows he is a wrestler and has been since soon after he could walk.
We still have the tears from time to time and he knows it is the only thing that makes me mad. Not the crying, but crying on the mat. I tell him to be strong and not let the other guy see you cry, we can go off in the hallway and let it out, but be tuff on the mat. I have seen the seniors in high school shed tears so I don't expect it to completely go away, but I hope it just becomes fewer and less dramatic.

Crying is not a bad thing. I tell my kids it is to hard to wrestle while crying - you can not think about your moves while crying - wipe their tears and see if they are ready to continue. Tell them to keep focused on the match just like a hard practice. When they come off the mat you want to see a little hurt. I ask them if they tried their best and they normally say YYYYYYYYes. Give them a hug and look for the Dippen DOT guy or Maggie Moo's ice cream.

Call for an injury time out to see if they are injured. Take 30 seconds to see if they will calm down. Ask them if they want to continue. If they keep crying at the end of injury time - default the match. Give them a hug and tell mom & dad to look for the Dippen DOT guy or Maggie Moo's ice cream.

Our son has been wrestling for 4 year now, and he still cries during and after a match; sometimes. When we asked him why he cries, he replies that he gets frustrated (when the other guy has him in the headlock). We told him to work through that frustration and push harder. We know he's not crying because he's hurt or done. We just tell him to use that frustration to his advantage and get out.

Remember, wrestling is one of the most emotional sports an individual can do. A lot of times these little guys are crying because they don't know how to let out the emotion. Everyone that has already posted has great ideas. The main thing to remember is to keep it positive how ever you try to deal with it.

Heck, as a parent and coach a lot of times it's hard not to be on the side of the mat crying right along with them!

I have a little guy on my team that sometimes cries even when he is winning. I know it is a little off topic...but I would like to retell one of the most ridiculous calls I saw this year. Our kid had his opponent on his back in the early part of the second period and a pin was imminent. The referee blew the match dead because our wrestler (who was in control) was crying. Our kid lost the match on points in the third period…go figure.

A lot of good stuff is being shared here. I can tell you this is no easy fix. My 10 YEAR old still cries after each loss. If it's a bad loss it can get real ugly. I'm thankful on one hand that he doesn't lose very much, but on the other hand I wish he would lose more so he could practice be gracious in defeat. Heres what we have tried that has not worked (I am in no way stating that these techniques do not work, just not with my kid when I am applying the techniques.)
1. explain that it is not fair to the kid that won fair & square to make such a big scene that it takes away from his victory
2. make him watch other kids throw fits during tournaments & discuss how they don't look real cool when they are doing it.
3. watch matches where kids lose gracefully (some very tough losses) & discuss how much respect I have for that kid.
4. attempt to point out how this is just practice. Just fine tuning his skill set for the future.
5. talk about how losing you cool makes it so much easier for his opponent. We have even interviewed kids that he lost to to discuss when the match got easier for them. 100% responded when Alex lost his cool. (some of those interviewed kids were pre-screened when my son was not present)
6. explain that the kid beats you 2x if he sees you cry & wins the match.
7. make him watch video of him throwing a fit. (my wife was actually accused of child abuse for taping a melt down at Chapman this weekend)
8. There is the old standbye, yell at him for embarrassing himself, his team & his family for not acting appropriate in defeat. (does not work well)
9. Have older kids that use to cry & throw temper tantrums counsel him. ( i think this works well)
there are too many others to mention, shawnbudke makes a very good point that I have never thought by stating A lot of times these little guys are crying because they don't know how to let out the emotion. I think that may be it with my boy, thank you for that insight. IMO we have to be careful not to put out the competitive fire while teaching them what is appropriate & what is not.

thanks all really helps , gives me alot of insite on how to handle this if it ever happens again.

we have one of those kids to. he is my son. i was mad at his match. I didnt talk to him until later. I just explained to him you have to be a good loser to be a good winner. I explained your not going to win every match. He told me he was crying because he was losing. I told him when your losing the only way to win is to move and think about what your going to do to score the next point. Then you move on from there. You cannot lay there and cry and expect to score any points. I also told him dont worry about the winning and losing just worry about moving at all times and never give up. Winning and losing takes its place at that point.

There is so much I want to say but I'll bite my tongue a bit!

Clearly, I don't think getting mad and not speaking to your own child is handling the issue properly. I realize that he is "your" son but would you accept another coach handling it like that!

Support is a funny thing! If a child is crying ... boy, I don't know ... wrestling is a tough sport! Many have related so. But wrestling is a "combat" sport, it is America's, mixed martial art.

Having a level head is critically important in our sport. It is an emotional battle. I really wonder, if a child is repeatedly crying in wrestling matches, is the child emotionally prepared for this combat sport!

... perhaps I've said too much but this is an area we really need to be cautious!! We need to develop kids that LOVE the sport!!!

thanks for your post randy and you are right, but not sure about one thing, you can develop film, you can develop land as well as develop a plan of action, but how do you develop a kid to love wrestling? i do not think you can there either going to love it or dislike it, i just do not think you can develop an emotion in someone just my thoughts on the subject.

I agree in part but our (parents), response to our kids, has a lot to do with whether s/he will develop a love for the sport!

I feel like I am restating a soapbox speech from my Bronze clinics but kids have got to have fun until they develop the love. When the adults in our kids life's put stress on our children then they inhibit that love.

It might make a difference if we were talking about a high school aged kid but we aren't. We are talking about children involved in a combat sport. When we put children into those arenas there is already an inherent stress. When you couple that with your child's thought, that their performance may affect the relationship with their parent/s ... that is too much!

Once again, wrestling is a sport that requires the combatant to remain emotionally balanced to perform well. If your wrestlers emotions are running the gambit of the extreme highs and the extreme lows, all within a 3-minute match, perhaps they are not ready for that arena.

... then again my response might be too much!

nope your response was well put and you make a very good point.

Thanks ... lqtm ... now the fire is lit, so just a bit more.

Not only is it paramount that our children have an emotional balance to compete but they need that balance from their support system. How much stress do we expect our kids to endure?

As I said, there is inherent stress! But if a child's wrestling performance means that their parent will respond negatively then they (the wrestler) won't be having fun! Our parents should be the ones our kids reach out to when their emotions get out of whack!

Mommy's are pretty good about this!! Daddy's need to be better at it!!

No performance, no loss, nothing at all should matter!!

This comes from a Dad, who did so many things wrong years ago! I remember a couple of car rides, home from tourneys and home from practices, that I didn't speak to my son. I'm embarrassed to admit that but it's true. I have been converted ... hallelujah!!

We all want our children to do the best they can but if they are worried about pleasing Daddy and Mommy, I question whether they can!!

randy your are so right. I walked into this season with high expectations with my 7 year old. i tried to teach him everything i knew. I still remember the words right out of coach Eds mouth at the coaches clinic. The dad coaches are the ones that have to watch what they do. I am a dad coach and I have learned alot this year. I expect maybe too much and catch myself living that darn dream. I always have to ask my son every time I see that dream. Are you really liking wrestling this year. If not then tell me and we will be done. All year he has said how much he loves wrestling. Just this last week he asked if he could miss practice. I wanted to say yes but I told him we only have 6 practices left lets just finish what we started. Looking back to all the posts I have made this year about the 6 year olds I have to think alot more about what Cokeley and a few others have been trying to tell me the entire time. They are 5-7 year olds. Let them be that age and do not make them not like wrestling. I will look at this in the future and maybe start the season a little later or end it earlier. I really do think the season is a little long. This season is longer than the highschool season. How does that happen. Lots of things to think about before next year. Dont get me wrong I love coaching and watching wrestling but I want to do it right and not want to wonder why my son doesnt want to wrestle in a few years.

thanks randy and bockman and all others you have gave me alot of insite, thats what i needed now i will put all that great advice to work. if any one has more advice for me i sure will take it, the only way to really learn is from people who have been doing this as long as you folks.thanks

Don't have anything to add other then I think this is a really good post that a lot of us dad/coaches can relate to. Thanks Randy. This is why I read these posts!

Nix, I also have had my share of my 5 year old crying. One thing that helped is he finally confided in me that he thought I was mad at him and yelling when he was wrestling. I hugged him tight and told him that I was only trying to help him by giving him instructions, but I have to yell over the crowd for him to hear me and that when you get emotional you stop listening and when you stop listening, you stop wrestling. It has helped tremendously with both me and him. He has gotten much better at controlling his emotions and I make sure and give him a thumbs-up when he is looking at me with an unsure look on his face during the match. I think it lets him know, he is okay.

i ahve another hour so i will post a little longer, my son cried his last match at ottawa, i asked him what was wrong and he said his nose and forhead hurt, i was sad for him because of the pain, but was also happy that it was pain and not because he lost, hope no one takes that the wrong way i did not enjoy him being in pain. all was good in about five minutes.

My son has wrestled since he was 4 and he is now 14 so we have wrestled a while now. He has only cried after 1 match this whole time. And that was when he lost a match to a kid he knew he could beat at districts. But he didn't do it on the mat he gave the kid a hug told him great match and took it outside. Because he thinks you never want another wrestler to see you cry because it gives them the advantage over you. Hope this helps goodluck.

One thing that I have found to work on the little kids (4,5,6 years old) is that I have told them to use there tears as energy in there match. If they are hurt that is one thing but if they are upset and they look over we have a special sign that I give them and it is like a switch that goes off in there heads that there is a huge boost of energy and alot of them have come baack and won a match. There is no yelling just a small hand gesture and there is a animal on the mat. The bad thing is that each one has there own "sign" that I as a coach have to remeber. Just a thought.

man i have to have you teach that to my son. he is one of the top wrestlers at 58lbs but this weekend he didnt wrestle like it. He did his crying and when he does that he is finished. So that is one thing we need to fix down the line and hopefully he can get over it and so can I. its hard to watch your son not wrestle his best and watch him cry for 3 periods rather than wrestle hard. It cost him two matches this weekend.

The best way that I have found is that after the match find out why they were crying and most of the time they will say because I was hurt. I would ask them were you really hurt or were your feelings hurt because you were losing? Guess what 97% of the responses were. Because I was losing. I would then tell them that instead of crying use the tears for energy instead. It may sound cheesy but it works almost every time. I had a 6 year old come back from 11 down to only lose by one on a very close time expired in the third period call. He stood up and got loose just as the wistle blew but he never cried after the match he walked off the mat with his head held high and very tired from leaving everything on the mat.

Most kid wrestlers are done once they start crying during a match. It's like the tears just drain the strengh right outta them. 6 years into this sport and I still have a cryer when he's losing! Get a headlock on him or make him cry and he's done.

Here's another lesson I learned this weekend with my 8 yr old.....it was after a loss and I was trying to go over with him the things he needed to improve on and the things he did right....it was noisy so my voice was raised so he could hear me. After about 5 minutes I noticed a change in his demeanor (not a positive one). It then dawned on my that he thought I was raising my voice at him, not just raising my voice so he could hear me. Luckily I caught it in time and we went into a quiet locker room. I asked him and confirmed that he thought I was raising my voice at him. I then choked back my own tear, apologized and we had one of the best after match reviews we have ever had.

Lesson I learned: From now on I will try and take him some place a lot more quiet so I don't have to raise my voice to be heard. That way he won't confuse it.

By the way....I'm still not sure who learns more during these wrestling seasons, the sons or us Dad coaches!

it's hard to say my boy has learned alot, i have as well. it has brought us closer, and reading these post and talking to everyone at the tournaments has even made me a better father, not only to my son but my daughter as well. and as the years roll by will need to ask some more advice. and i will look forward to the response's in the future once again thanks. great post's everyone.

As this long season comes to a close, I watch and am one of those high intensity Dad/Coaches. At the beginning everyone wants their child to do well. I have 2 sons one 6u and one 8u my 8u is dissapointed if he loses, but my 6u takes it alot more emotionally, age or difference in kids who knows. I have yelled at both for crying and other things and as the season has progressed, with the help of my wife, I have learned how to try and be more understanding when they lose. Don't get me wrong I hate it, but have learned to control some of my anger. I am not alone I see numerous Wives giving the old, one two, to their husbands after they have yelled at their wrestler, myself included. Try this, walk away take a deep breath and then go back and TALK to your child trust me you'll get a better response, instead of getting on him right after he loses. Remember we're here for them!!!!!!