Scott,
I don't think we have ever met and like many others I know you only from what I have seen you post on this forum. First, kudos to you for having the courage to post what you did on this thread. I am a 3rd generation wrestler myself and my boys are the 4th. I am also a 2nd generation coach and have coached since 1987 in two states (Washington & Kansas) from large HS (6A) to kids. You are right, it is hard sometimes to remember to start and finish the conversations with your wrestlers,parents, etc. with something positve but it is definitely worth it. Coaching relationships built on trust and partnership can become special. Two of my former HS wreslters stood as groomsmen in my wedding and the head coach I was coaching with was my best man. That was cool.
When my boys started 6 years ago one of the first "talks" I had with them was about how they dealt with defeat was going to be more important than how they handled victory. To this day win or lose I am proud of how they handle the end of match ceremony win or lose. It is after all about building young men. You can ask my boys and they will tell you that only two things will ever make me angry at them on the mat Rule #1: NEVER lose your composure and disrespect yourself or the sport. Rule #2:NEVER quit, fight to the end with dignity and honor.
One of the toughest things I have ever done is to coach my own boys, especially after coaching literally hundr4eds of other peoples sons. I think what you have realized is great and wish you well in developing a new philosophy. I also charge you with the challenge of trying to lead as many we can down the path of developing the young men and letting the winning take care of itself.
Good luck in your corner this weekend.